THE CABLE GUY

PLOT SUMMARY: A designer makes a grievious mistake when he rejects the friendship of a borderline cable guy.

WHERE TO WATCH: Prime

JAIMEE’S NOTES: What a film! Apparently it’s Ben Stiller month because he directed this movie and he’s also in it. I need to watch more Ben Stiller directed projects because I’m learning that he makes my favorite things….ever heard of a little show called Severance? I cannot wait for season two. Anyway, that’s not why we’re here! This movie is star studded! In addition to Ben, we also have Matthew Broderick, Jim Carrey, Leslie Mann, Jack Black, Janeane Garofalo, and Owen Wilson! Steven moves into a new apartment after a failed marriage proposal to his girlfriend, Robin. He incidentally befriends his cable guy, Chip. Jim Carrey is exactly the cable guy you think he would be, he is wild. (Maya Ishii-Peters’s comedy idol, all you Pen15 watchers know what I’m saying). Chip promptly freaks Steven the fuck out but tries to win him back. They go to Medieval Times together and Chip installs a free home theater system in Steven’s house. Also though, Chip makes Steven throw a party at his apartment and hires him a prostitute without telling him. Steven is upset and Chip vows to help him get Robin back…..in his own way and amazingly it kind of works. Meanwhile, a great side story, Ben Stiller is playing twin actors Sam and Stan Sweet and one of them is on trial for murdering….his twin brother. The biggest news story going down! Steven again gets sick of Chip’s shit and tells him he doesn’t want to be friends anymore and oh shit…..wrong move, buddy. Chip goes absolutely nuts and tries to tear Steven’s life apart. I loved this movie, a great dark comedy. I don’t even have many snarky comments because I was so enthralled. Jim Carrey is so good at playing a creepy unhinged stalker. And I so loved all the TV references and aliases used. Sometimes I read random reviews of these movies and there were a few people that say they didn’t get it but most say that this is a cult classic and it was very ahead of it’s time, it’s time being 1996. And I tend to agree with the latter…Ben Stiller is a genius.

ZOOLANDER

PLOT SUMMARY: At the end of his career, a clueless fashion model is brainwashed to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia.

WHERE TO WATCH: Peacock or Paramount+

JAIMEE’S NOTES: Not every month has five Wednesdays, but I’m still going to throw my very favorite movie category at you…Jaimee’s favorites! Using a quote in my Saltburn rewatch blog really made me want to watch one of my very favorite and most quotable movies..Zoolander! The plot of Zoolander is wild. There is a new prime minister of Malaysia whose policies will prohibit some of the biggest names in fashion from retaining cheap child labor. Fashion mogul, Mugatu, is tasked with finding someone to assassinate the prime minister and lands on choosing a male model, they have their eyes on one man… Derek Zoolander is an icon in the fashion world and has won male model of the year three years in a row. A journalist named Matilda is interviewing him before the big awards show where he is going for win number four. Christine Taylor, who plays Matilda, is Ben Stiller’s wife and Jerry Stiller, who plays Derek’s agent Maury Ballstein, is Ben’s dad. A family affair! Also there are so many celebrity cameos including but not limited to: two out of five Spice Girls, David Bowie, Natalie Portman, Heidi Klum and Lance Bass. Derek, sadly, loses the male model of the year race to new, hot model, Hansel. Derek then questions his entire life and tries to talk to his male model roomies about it. The roomies know something that will cheer him up, ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINOS!! After a freak gasoline fight accident, Derek decides to retire. Derek has got to find out what more there is to life besides being really really ridiculously good looking, he dreams of creating the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and working on his left turns. Derek goes back to southern New Jersey to be a coal miner with his dad and brothers. “I think I’m getting the black lung,” is a quote I say or think every time I cough. As you can imagine, being a coal miner does not work out and Derek returns to his only job with Mugatu who lures him in with a model of his dream Derek Zoolander Center….what is this, a center for ants!? Mugatu introduces Derek to his own campaign, Derelicte, and promptly takes him to a spa where they brainwash him to kill the prime minister of Malaysia. Meanwhile, Matilda is researching Mugatu and learns all of his models die young in freak accidents. Derek and Hansel run into each other on a night out and ladies and gentlemen….it’s a walk off!! Eventually Derek and Hansel join forces with Matilda to try to expose Mugatu and keep Derek from killing the prime minister of Malaysia. Will they figure out Derek’s trigger word and how computers work in time!? This is just an overall hilarious movie with the dumbest, but best quotes. Enjoy and go work on your blue steel in the mirror.

THE LITTLE MERMAID (1989)

PLOT SUMMARY: A mermaid princess makes a Faustian bargain in an attempt to become human and win a prince’s love.

WHERE TO WATCH: Disney+

JAIMEE’S NOTES: The order I am watching Disney movies in may seem to make no sense, but it does to me, just stick with me here. Going back to 1989 and we have maybe one of the hottest animated princes in Disney history, Prince Eric. Eric is just looking for a lady, seemingly sailing different places on his large ship. And then there’s Ariel, like every Disney princess she’s like, “I’m not like a regular princess, I’m a cool princess. I’m quirky and don’t listen to authority figures.” Ariel loves antiquing and obsessing over humans, we love a girl with hobbies. Also, Part of Your World is a top tier Disney song. She becomes really obsessed with one human in particular, and I mean can we blame her? As she spies on him, the fastest hurricane in the world forms and bitch gets one of her questions answered…what’s a fire? She also learns how to save a life and declares that she is in love with Eric after only seeing him from afar or unconscious. This is really unfortunate because daddy, King Triton, says fuck the humans. Ursula, who they refer to as the sea witch, has a proposition for her. Sea witch sounds like such a gross title, it reminds me of a sea cucumber. Anyway, Ursula says Ariel has to make Eric fall in love with her in THREE DAYS while being mute and she will become a human forever, otherwise she becomes a prisoner of Ursula. What a gamble, and either way she doesn’t really get to see her family ever again so I guess fuck them. Ariel’s first order of business should have been to find a pen and a pad of paper but that is not the route she chose. We get another top tier level song in my eyes, Kiss the Girl. And also Eric figures out Ariel’s name and says it’s KIND OF pretty, tough crowd. Just when Ariel thinks she’s getting somewhere, Ursula turns herself into an attractive brunette named Vanessa, swoops right in, and steals that man from right under her nose. During Eric and Vanessa’s wedding, Ariel gets her voice back and Vanessa turns back into an octopus. I bet Eric was embarrassed that he almost married an octopus sea witch, woof, dodged a bullet there. Ariel runs out of time and King Triton must really love her because he is basically willing to give his life for her. And then when they kill that big ‘ol octopus, he still lets her go, how sweet. Mermaids were big in the ‘80s and ‘90s and now I only hear about them when I see Tik Toks about the ocean and they say that some sailors hear mermaids or sirens, as they call them, trying to lure them into the sea, telling them to jump in and such, wild. This is a classic Disney movie, definitely in my top ten. And now I’m going to reminisce about all the Little Mermaid merchandise I owned.

SALTBURN

PLOT SUMMARY: A student at Oxford University finds himself drawn into the world of a charming and aristocratic classmate, who invites him to his eccentric family’s sprawling estate for a summer never to be forgotten.

WHERE TO WATCH: Prime

JAIMEE’S NOTES: I just had to watch this movie to see what all the fuss was about. And oh my…there is fuss. Oliver meets and becomes obsessed with popular boy at Oxford, Felix. Felix is so nice to Ollie and includes him, comforts him when his father dies, doesn’t let him look stupid in front of the other populars and most importantly invites him to his mansion estate for the summer, Saltburn. Oliver starts out as kind of an awkward nerd and details to Felix how hard his life has been. Felix and his family welcome Ollie into their home with open arms and Oliver shits all over it. He lies, he fucks everyone literally and figuratively and he continues his obsession with Felix. I just want to scream OLIVER: “Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as many people’s lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?” Sorry, had to hit you with a Zoolander quote. Side note, the guy who plays Oliver kind of reminds me of Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Anyway, Felix catches Oliver in a big lie and his birthday party gets real awkward, especially when Felix tells him he needs help, which…..uhhhh he’s right. I will say, I do understand people being shocked by some things in this movie, mainly the bathwater and the cemetery, they sure did make some choices. I did like the ending though, quite the twist and made it a little thriller-y. Barry Keoghan plays a hell of a psycho.

AMERICAN NIGHTMARE

PLOT SUMMARY: After a harrowing home invasion and kidnapping in 2015, a couple is accused of staging the ordeal when the woman reappears in this true-crime docuseries.

WHERE TO WATCH: Netflix

JAIMEE’S NOTES: Wow, what a wild ride. This is again, not actually a movie but a three part series with three different points of view, and so worth the watch! We have Denise and Aaron who are newly dating and one night, someone breaks into Aaron’s home when they are sleeping, drugs them, and kidnaps Denise. Truly a wild story with many insane details. Eventually Aaron calls the police but he is scared because the intruder told him not to. Once he gets down to the station and tells them the whole story, they do not believe a word he says. I’ve maybe listened to too many crime podcasts and watched too many datelines but every little thing Aaron did i was like oh, honey, no. He made suggestions when they asked, he talked to the police without a lawyer and he let them give him a lie detector test. Big no no’s. But guess what, no body…no crime. We also have Detective Mustard on the case…..big lol. So at this point everyone is really thinking sweet little Aaron killed his girlfriend because it’s always the boyfriend, am i right? BUT……then Denise is found just walking down the fucking street! And guess what movie just came out around this time…..Gone Girl. Detective Mustard was deeply affected by the writings of Gillian Flynn. In episode two, we get to hear Denise’s side of the story. And then in episode three, we get Misty Carausu, who cracked the case wide open, get it girl! I don’t want to reveal too much and I advise not googling prior to watching because the way everything unfolds is cinematic. If you have not heard of this case before, I do see why there were many theories about what happened because it is a wild story but in the end, the police should have really listened to the facts and those involved. My final statement: it’s always fuck Vallejo PD. And give Misty a raise, you go girl!